My past I started, my past can roll up to bring the memories back and open the prison, so I live and look to the future.
So much lies below the surface hidden, it's time, everything is still to live through again.
Above all, the bad experiences , the disappointments, the pain, because that is what influenced me most and has made me what I am now.
"A look into the past is worth only if it serves the future. "
Much of what was in between, I do not know, somehow I feel that I'm only the bad experiences have stood out, often I can not assign experiences in chronological order, are therefore of this often act confused and bewildered.
am I too aware that I make mistakes and not all just the fault of others, but I'm here is to explain why I am what I am.
I would not blame, but also not helping words, you help me more by ye understand.
start How do I start?
The first memory, which for years is in me is that in my room in the house where my mother, my father lived and later, my brother.
There are no pictures, but I know that it looks like, as my grandmother told me confirmed my sketch that I made.
But why remember?
I had as a child, croup, one night I was out there because I got no air, wrapped in a blue blanket, were on the Bears.
I heard my mother call my father, she argued with him, it was a question that he should take me to the hospital.
But my father would seem to prefer to stay with his friends in the pub, because he did not come to me to the hospital to drive. At the time my brother was also born already.
I still remember it today as I stood there for ages and have gejappst for air.
A cruel sense. It ended with our neighbors helped us, the man drove me and my mother at 3 to the hospital with his red car, while the neighbor looked after well on my little brother. Apparently
could help me in the hospital, because what happened there, I do not know, but I'm still alive.
The next thing I remember then, is a scene in the nursery, where I should be picked up from my mother, but I was still there an hour later. Eventually
is the mother of someone else coincidentally driven past, they took me then and rang, my mother made only after a while, but since I have not understood before what was going on.
The next thing I remember, then, is my 6th birthday, a very nice day, I had friends to visit, we ate cake and had fun.
But at some point my mother in the door fell down .. Today I know that because she had been drinking and did so, and I therefore could not wake her. When the parents came
have, of course, all so upset: / but I could not for it.
This has led to the no one would come to me and I never visit was: /
The other thing was there was that my birthday money was gone, that I wanted to save for a bicycle. There were 75 marks, which had just gone and the bike would have cost only 100, or at least what I wanted. Today I know that my mother has taken it to be so to buy your alcohol, but then I was too young to understand. And yet, there was one thing that made me very sad because I wanted to have the bike and I had saved but even all the money for it.
Then I went to school. There I was bullied from the beginning, because I often was not there and my mother was an alcoholic level, I have cried more than once in the schoolyard behind: alcoholic daughter. But I did not even know what it means. Many have become separated from me and I did not know why. I had only one friend: Jessika. We spent a lot of time together, also next to the school and our mothers were friends for a time. Her mother was later the best friend of mine.
The next bad came for me when my mother forced me to, look to a horror movie with her. It was late at night and in the movie was about, because that is driving a monster, an octopus or something in the sea and the beach shore and people eat, you chew off their legs or even head. Then I am a long time had difficulty sleeping because I was afraid there could be a octopus eat me or hurt me. I've always rolled up in the ceiling, so I thought I could do anything, but at the same time I thought it does not help.
One of the key points is probably that we did not have a 'father' in the sense that he did not care about us and my mother in touch with him also did not allow.
But we jump a little bit further in the events:
Just before I had come in the 7th grade we moved to Bavaria, to my aunt because my mother was there
a withdrawal.
I had very many problems because my aunt herself had 7 children and then we came along.
It was very difficult to find friends and to establish there somehow, I was the scapegoat for everything and everything was always to blame.
Since eg the story of the hare of my cousin:
had I take care of their animals, but never got a thank you, I am driven to collect all kinds of weather and fresh dandelion and I cleaned the house. I also had his own Rabbit: flakes.
had some point but the bunny from my cousin that he crawled under a garage and no longer wanted out of there. In the night he is a ferret or something had been killed. I was given the blame because I get the thing that stood before it, had not been fully closed. But when the last time I was there, it was about afternoon at 2 and I thought, he comes to evening out yet. Since I did was wrong, but I was to blame, that was my cousin sadly. But why I took care of the animal if it was yours?
The other story is that I had little contact with my mother, strangely enough.
My aunt has prevented the contact, so we could tell her anything and she had us under control.
Since eg the story of the rice pudding. All who do not want to, for she has something else cooking. Only I could not eat it. I had to eat the rice, I have almost 3 hours sat at the plate and I did not have much.
And that is the experience, since I just get the word rice crisis, I hate the stuff abysmal.
And they put me on forced diet, often I'm on an empty stomach to bed because I could only eat a little bread!
died some time there, my rabbit from a disease that has made me very sad, but she was always aggressive, but my pet and I have liked.
The vet she had during an operation einschläfern.Wir were still two little rabbits, their children, then I should keep.
My mother was already at the time of your Cure back.
I went 10 days on a student exchange to the Czech Republic, it was very nice there, but when I came back, were the two little rabbits away, because my mother has simply exposed ... From then on I had no more pets.
Shortly after this experience, all this happened within a year, we moved back to the old village and it was so on as before.
My mother had already started drinking again after 2 days, my brother and I were on our own.
This was also the day when I decided I'll go my way, no matter whether I go alone or not. I wanted to live and fight my way through to some day be able to live.
But in between I had the phases where I just wanted to die but I did not want to live, because I feel so helpless and lost.
eingetrichert I was also from my family that I never one note of what happened with us, should carry out, which meant that I had included everything in me and what I sadly still do. The issue of alcohol was hushed with us, as it would not be existent.
So I was always happy, always happy, no one knew anything. We went home the stress really begins, as I could get away, because my brother was always gone before, I would never go away, as my mother never wanted to be alone.
I saw what was going on in other families and saw how peaceful it was there, very different to ours. I also wanted a 'normal' family.
But eventually came the day on which at least part of it should be over - the 17.02.2002.
This is the death of my mother, where I arrived only today to cope with it. I was with my girlfriend, I called my grandma in the morning and went to a phone to me this first anschnautze, who would have called me
etc. At some point a doctor on the phone, who said that it would be better, I should come home.
interesting thing is that I felt before, that something is wrong and that's why I had called us at home.
In the waiting time until someone picked me up said, the little sister of my girlfriend at the time:
'Maybe they had died'. When she said that, I knew it was true ... My mother was dead. I was picked up and we drove to our house, the man of the church, picked me up, looked at me and told me: 'Your mother has gone to sleep - forever'.
I was never in my life so fast 4 floors up, but when I was up, I'm crying refracted first together. That could not be true. It could not be true.
was four days later, the funeral and so many people I've never been to a funeral seen, there were about 100 people there, if not more. Also, classmates, parents of this, my principal and my teacher was at the funeral. The headmaster, Mr. Giese, had himself lost his mother the day before and could therefore easily imagine how I felt, came regularly to ask how I am and if I wanted to go home. Even my classmates were exempted for this funeral to attend to her. My mother had always said she had no friends and not people who live it, but I'm sure it was different.
Even my aunt was there, they gave me the charge that I would blame that my Mother was dead at all, which has dragged for years on me. I'm sure I, my brother and my family, we have somewhere in part to blame because we all knew how to handle it, but how will a 14-year-old and do 11-year-old that because if they are not in a position to understand it?
After all these things came with the Youth Welfare Office, etc, that were more than stressful enough.
We have come very often with the youth office to each other, because of little things, such as, among other things that my grandma lubricates my bread.
ridiculously easy. But at this point I was already 2 years in psychological treatment.
This has helped somewhat, but not in all things. One thing was
eg, that my uncle lives next door, also is an alcoholic and that I never came about, to process the past.
am I too often fall because of the age difference and my messy with my grandmother together.
But one would even have to ask why I was so messy.
For it is still true today, that my apartment my 'inner state' is playing, it is neat, I feel good, it is messy, something is wrong.
But eventually came my move to Cologne, which was related with many difficulties including financial problems and the problem, have no one had time for one. I have two months stuck in a state that can be described as burnout or depression, I simply had no energy and no longer wanted. My friend
could not help me because he has not taken me seriously and there was not for me.
But what I was saying, yes it was, what and how I am.
I am still a very closed person and issues and other things are simply displaced or trapped in me. I still can not talk about issues without having to hide my own feelings. If anyone has seen me cry ever, he can call that a privilege, because I never cry in front of other people, even you will never see from me, I get sad when a story time / knitting or get glassy eyes.
The other thing is that I really love the Internet because it gives me the opportunity to tell me, without that someone knows me and draws conclusions from it. In my view, the Internet is a blessing, because here I need not worry that somebody really nervous bullying because I just do not go near.
I was always afraid of not being accepted because my mother was an alcoholic, always refused to be this fear and I fall today öffnen.Bis me many things difficult, but I want to change it and that takes time. A lot of time, something does not change it today overnight.
everything I wanted was peace, but I always got the war I never wanted.
Today I have a beautiful place, I have friends who are there for me and love me no matter how I am. And for that I am grateful. I hope by helping people, perhaps to become a better person and wear my fault for myself to. Maybe I can maybe do differently, what I did wrong with my mother.
I want to justify in any way and give someone the feeling that I can help him just because I wear a debt. I like to help if I can, and primarily it's just that I for my want to be friends there.
I want to not repeat mistakes from my past, I am much ran away and has never spoken about what is bothering me and that's why I have it written down here. All I want is that you accept me as I am, with or without a past. I'm just not, I know that too, but I only ask for understanding from your side.
And I am also grateful to all who support me and help me and I hope that I will also pass on everything. Thank you to all who have accompanied me each and come with me still, I thank you from my heart.
